Inertia

I have a fatal flaw that applies to both blogging and fitness:


I have a hard time keeping going on a consistent basis.

And the thing is, it's not completely my fault. It's not that I'm lazy. I'm just sick.

I don't say this as an excuse or a reason to hide behind a label. Blogging is a hell of a lot cheaper than cognitive therapy and once it's said, I usually feel better.

One of the symptoms of this disease which I deal with at least on a weekly basis is suicidal ideations.

They're not as scary as they sound. It's not even that I'm unhappy.

See? This is me.

I'm a pretty happy girl. Behind this veneer of snark lies a pretty contented person. I've got goals and friends and lots of things that keep me looking forward to tomorrow.

There's just this disconnect in my brain that likes to spend its free time making up really interesting (and sometimes mundane!) ways for me to off myself. I usually just shake it off and keep going, but stuff like this really puts a damper on a girl's inertia, especially at times when I have valid reasons for feeling sad.

I'm not really sure why I felt compelled to write this post. I guess I just want to be understood.

Because sometimes, when I insist that I'm working hard, despite the slow, slow progress, I feel like maybe no one believes me. And that feeds into the false sadness/real sadness cycle. And that shit is dangerous for someone like me.

I see a lot of statuses on Fetlife about girls who need motivation to get things done, but most of the time, I have plenty of motivation. I don't need a Daddy. I have a Dom, and our dynamic itself is motivating enough. I want to please him, and DEAR GOD, I want to lose all of this weight I've been carrying around.

But all I really need to make it to the end is time and patience.

So, stick around, won't you?